In-sight, Far-sight, Lost-sight.

Yesterday, I was told that with my level of preparation, I won’t be able to make it to the sustenance project team. I felt bad, for about like 5hrs. In those 5hrs I decided to prepare hard and prove that I am no dud. 22 hrs have passed since and I haven’t even started preparing. This has been happening from ever since I remember. May be from the point of time when I started thinking about ‘purpose’. Purpose of my life!!! Why should I do anything, for whom, for what?? ‘Whom’ doesn’t matter to me. ‘what’ doesn’t motivate me. To a certain extent ‘whom’ does matter, I don’t want to be in a situation where people who love me feel ashamed to acknowledge my existence. That’s it; I can’t motivate myself to work beyond that.

People tell me I have the capability to achieve anything and everything. Theek hai bhai, Maan liya!!! But somebody tell me for what and whom. End of the day, I feel it doesn’t matter. I am just a small fish in the ocean, and even a whale is just another fish in the ocean (not technically, but still). May be, if somebody can convince that i can become GOD by working hard, may be I will try then. I am happy with ephemeral pleasures, like a burp after a good meal, a good night’s sleep, intriguing conversations with friends, the feeling of being loved. Bas!!..... I am happy. I thought money excited me, but that feeling did not last long.

I agree with Divya when she tells me that she hates growing up. When you grow up, either you realise that things u wanted once are not worth or not practical. Growing up robs the spice out of your life. Well now, i have to get back to my linked lists and binary trees in order hang on to my position at the bottom of food chain. (A food chain, that is just made up of my friends and peers.)

Or the whole thing can just be treated as an excuse for me being a loser. :P

BhEjA FrY

3 idiots fucked up my life. Bloody i can't sleep. This had to happen to me when everything seemed to be going alright.(whom am i kidding, fucked up my mba entrance exams for the second time in a row). But some parts of my life were/are good. And as usual i was always ignoring the 'question' that has always been bothering me since i was a kid. "WHAT AM I GOOD AT???" This question has been killing since i was 14 or maybe 21. Who cares, the part u should care is the fact it is bothering me. Has never been able to figure out an answer to this lousy shit ass question.

Back in school after every 'progress reports day' my dad used to give me lecture about........blah blah(u knw what). Then he used to ask me this question."Which is your favorite subject??" Answer to which, frankly, i haven't figured out yet. I used to name a subject in whichever i scored the most marks that year. So the answers used to change, one year it was social, the next maths, the next science and so on. Then came inter, where i had to chose between mpc and bipc. Others streams were out of question, apparently they had no future. Anyways what difference does it make to somebody who's confused. I preferred mpc as i was bad at drawing (trust me that was the reason why i took mpc). Life was on a single track from then on, what do u do after mpc, duhh!! engineering. Finished that. After which i had to make a choice again, MS or MBA. Chose MBA due to personal reasons :P. Fucked up my mba entrance exams, so i chose MBA afer work-ex. All my choices were based upon 'Why i should not do the other thing' rather than 'Why i should do this thing'.

What makes things worse is that I am surrounded by people like divya and kunal, both of them know what they are doing, why they are doing, for how long they will be doing whatever they are doing. Which makes me feel like shit. Added to that they have friends who are passionate about something or the other and work very hard at whatever they are doing, may it be architecture, design, photography or simply studying. What is surprising is that all of them think I am good at something and i am pretty sure none of them know what it is. I get their respect for god knows what. Bloody, i dont have a single credential to show and tell them that 'i belong among u guys.'They probably think I am smart and capable, which even i think i am. But I will never be able to live up to my potential till i figure out an answer to the question "what am i really good at or what is the one thing i am passionate about??"


What i have been thinking is : 'What if a person does not have a passion even though he/she is good at many things. What if there is nothing that appeals to ur heart, but are able to perform decently in many areas.Does such a person exists or is it only me. NO it is not only ME. There are many like me( at least i hope so).' This inner conflict has been driving me crazy and all this is because of the movie '3 idiots'. YES, go follow your passion if you have one, nobody should stop you. But what if you dont have a bloody passion. Should you create one?? No you cant!! I guess ppl like me will just earn their bread, mutter and paneer working in mediocre software companies or BPO's.

First time in my life I am feeling very 'ordinary'. It is not a good feeling you know, atleast for me. "INTROSPECTION IS SHIT."

Ad idea 1: ANTI SMOKING AD

Scene 1: (In a classroom)

Teacher : Children note down the harmful effects of smoking.
(students writing)
1. Smoking causes lung cancer
2. Smoking causes xyz
3. Smoking cancer impotency.

(Student interrupts)
Student: Ma’am what is impotency??

Teacher: (embarrassed) Why don’t u google it and let the whole class know. (Teacher continues)

Scene 2: (student goes home and googles impotency)

Scene 3: ( Father and mother sitting in the living room, father is smoking)

Student: Papa, since when have u been smoking

Father: (proudly) I smoked my first one at the age of 16 my son and never stopped since.

Student: (Turns to the mother) Mama, mere asli papa kaun hai????

Cut…….end of AD.