In-sight, Far-sight, Lost-sight.

Yesterday, I was told that with my level of preparation, I won’t be able to make it to the sustenance project team. I felt bad, for about like 5hrs. In those 5hrs I decided to prepare hard and prove that I am no dud. 22 hrs have passed since and I haven’t even started preparing. This has been happening from ever since I remember. May be from the point of time when I started thinking about ‘purpose’. Purpose of my life!!! Why should I do anything, for whom, for what?? ‘Whom’ doesn’t matter to me. ‘what’ doesn’t motivate me. To a certain extent ‘whom’ does matter, I don’t want to be in a situation where people who love me feel ashamed to acknowledge my existence. That’s it; I can’t motivate myself to work beyond that.

People tell me I have the capability to achieve anything and everything. Theek hai bhai, Maan liya!!! But somebody tell me for what and whom. End of the day, I feel it doesn’t matter. I am just a small fish in the ocean, and even a whale is just another fish in the ocean (not technically, but still). May be, if somebody can convince that i can become GOD by working hard, may be I will try then. I am happy with ephemeral pleasures, like a burp after a good meal, a good night’s sleep, intriguing conversations with friends, the feeling of being loved. Bas!!..... I am happy. I thought money excited me, but that feeling did not last long.

I agree with Divya when she tells me that she hates growing up. When you grow up, either you realise that things u wanted once are not worth or not practical. Growing up robs the spice out of your life. Well now, i have to get back to my linked lists and binary trees in order hang on to my position at the bottom of food chain. (A food chain, that is just made up of my friends and peers.)

Or the whole thing can just be treated as an excuse for me being a loser. :P